(Here is a snippet of Sarah Swenson's upcoming book, PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT FOR NURSERY ASSOCIATIONS.)
You have learned how to block things in such a way that you have less chance of being accused or criticized. You have learned to distinguish with good skills the difference between when it is okay to talk and when it is best to wait another time.
You also know when all you can do is keep your mouth shut. Sometimes, when you do this, tears burn your cheek.
Then you hear, "What is the matter now; "
And what do you hear? You hear the word now. That's all.
Because, once again, your partner has read the expression of your person, concludes and concludes you wrongly. You have decided and condemned you with the critical tone and the last word now, as if your emotional life was a constant attack on them.
That's when you feel crazy.
You feel crazy because you know that there is no satisfactory answer to this question. If you are despised to describe your reluctance to look at a topic, you are in danger of saying that you are ridiculous. If you make real efforts to explain the thoughts or feelings you initially resisted sharing and which first brought tears, your partner's critical reaction tells you right away that you are smarter when you initially decided to keep them to yourself. By giving them a voice, you have just created the situation you are afraid of: your partner not only does not understand what you are talking about but also rejects your feelings, and above all, he is outraged or disappointed by the fact that you have been crying to get attention their – which was a very passionate cry for attention to it.
Yes, that's when you feel crazy.
You caught with double bond.
You can speak your mind, and you will be judged or criticized.
You can stay calm and be judged or criticized.
You can not win.
You're probably not even sure about the normal one that looks like. You think it can have something to do with getting what you want.
I would suggest that there is more than that.
It has more to do with getting what you need.
Believe that you are not asking for the moon or stars when you ask your partner to hear you. You believe that you have the right to request it. Please believe you are injuring yourself thinking that you should expect nothing less.In a close relationship, thanks to the agreement you both entered freely, you have the right to expect that your partner will respect you enough to listen to you, listen to you and take care enough to have your back. To respond to your feelings. To listen to your concerns. To discuss the things that are in your mind.
These are not just the things you want.
These are essential components of your mental health.
When they are missing out on a relationship and especially when they are replaced by blame, judgment or criticism – when you get the message that you do not even have the right to have such an opinion or you are out of mind think about it – these are the times of deeper pain. These are the moments of greater loneliness. These are the moments when your self-esteem is at greatest risk of erosion.
Believe that you are not asking for the moon or stars when you ask your partner to hear you. You believe that you have the right to request it. Please believe you are injuring yourself thinking that you should expect nothing less.
You are not mad to expect your partner to respect and love you. That you promised when you entered this relationship.
It is still valid to believe.
If your partner does not hold the side of the deal, it is not a reflection of your self-esteem. It is a reflection of their inability or reluctance to give the person who loves them what they need.
Changes are feasible to the extent that your partner is willing and able to start a conversation that cuts the root of your non-hearing. This may require the help of a counselor. If you are lucky, your partner will agree to take the steps to healing.
I leave you with one more thought: you are not crazy. In fact, it would be crazy to think that it was worth anything less than respect and love from your partner. Unfortunately, emotionally unavailable people often persuade their associates that they deserve exactly what they get: nothing.
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