Together with finding a meaningful career, finding a love affair is often one of the most important goals we seek. Billions of dollars are being spent helping people find true love
Despite the plethora of available websites and services, including experts and relationship coaches, millions of people do not seem to find that love. Even when they do so, the divorce rate is around 50%. Why is this happening;
First, Find Yourself: How do beliefs for self develop?
Shapes, organized patterns of thought that affect the way we react to the world and its people, have a long and historical history. The idea of the shapes was discussed by a different group of people, from Immanuel Kant to Jean Piaget and Aaron Beck to Jeffrey Young.
Jeffrey Young, in his book Form treatment, describes a mainly cognitive-behavioral model. He attributes many, if not most, disturbances in the formation of thoughts and beliefs for himself, other people and the world in general. These thoughts and beliefs are based mainly on childhood and affect the way we perceive ourselves and others. Shapes can include beliefs that lead to mistrust, abuse, and shame-based thoughts such as "I'm not good enough," "I'm lost" and "I'll always be a failure." These patterns cause us to act in negative and harmful ways and to influence healthy emotional function.
Life scenarios have been developed by Eric Berne for use in customer therapy using the Analytical Analysis (TA). Essentially, life scenarios develop in childhood and act as a guide or direction for where our lives will go. We learn these scenarios when we are young, as we try to deal with and understand the world in the best way that we know it at that moment.
The ideas of the life script may include beliefs and thoughts such as "boys do not cry" or "do not question power". Both scenarios of life and shape are absorbed by children from their parents, the media, religion and the dominant culture. They then internalize and act as if they were true.
How cognitive therapy treats beliefs about yourself
Cognitive therapy provides that people are disturbed by their thoughts and not by any particular situation or circumstance. The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, is often used to visualize the idea of cognitive therapy – "Man is not disturbed by things, but the views he takes from them."
Cognitive therapists have identified many cognitive distortions that are universal. These include the labeling, deduction of positive, emotional reasoning, dogmatic demands, mind reading, adventure and overproduction. The purpose of cognitive therapy is to help clients identify and then cause these distorted beliefs and replace them with more rational and realistic beliefs. While life patterns and scenarios usually occur at an individual level, millions of people may have learned the same messages from their parents or from culture in general.
We believe that if we are not in relation to a rich, integrated, attractive and desirable, we are not successful.
Finding Sinks of Beliefs About Love and Dating
Many of the shapes and life scenarios we are learning have to do with other people and relationships. We can get the idea that to love, we have to be pleasant or passive. You may have learned that you were a "princess" and that you are entitled to a "prince". You may have learned that in order to be safe, you must marry someone rich or be important, you must be with someone famous. These ideas are supported by popular culture. The most famous and dynamic people in the world are seen as models to envy and copy. We believe that if we are not in relation to a rich, integrated, attractive and desirable, we are not successful.
Watch some dating applications and find people looking for others with high social skills – doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs and other professionals. People must have perfectly accented bodies, high income and great complexion. For women, the height of a man is often preferred, while for men, perhaps because of the will of the children, youth is usually excellent. Dedicated users put the filters to eliminate unwanted features and hope to get the perfect partner that is rich, attractive, fit, healthy, successful, strong and stable. Often, we require other properties that we do not have ourselves.
When these desires go up to the level of demands and rights, it becomes a problem. We believe we deserve someone like Chris Hemsworth or Scarlett Johansson and someone who has the money of a Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey. Since we were young, maybe we were told or we were getting through the media that our value was tied to who we are partners to. These shapes or life scenarios force us to reject anyone who does not respond to the beliefs we have absorbed and which have been reinforced by popular culture. This is often the case because both dating applications and professional writers are not as successful as you would have imagined.
Invest yourself: Change the scenario and change the shape
Until people have the ability to change the unrealistic, deformed and harmful shape we have raised, we will continue to reject good, well-cared and loved associates because they do not count on what they have been told or learned. Fortunately, as cognitive distortions can be identified and replaced, life formats and scenarios can be changed and replaced.
If you are in a dating application for at least a year or you are working with a matchmaker and no one has agreed with your criteria, they are unlikely to do so. Are not there really good men and women out there? Is it realistic that, after examining thousands of profiles and creating dozens of future dates, have you not seen or met anyone who is a good match? The answer is that your spouse could have "pushed left" from you. Even worse, it may continue to happen if you do not meet this perfect person and find you just as perfect.
Invest yourself. Talk to a reputable therapist or counselor to help you deal with these harmful and malfunctioning shapes and life scenarios. Be real you and not follow the script written for you for a long time. If you want to find love, we have to find you. The real you. Your original. Writing your own script could help to ensure that it has a happy ending.
Young, J. (2003). Shape therapy: A practitioner's guide. New York, New York: Guilford Press.
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