Is it a shame that affects your sex life?

Couple sitting in bed in armsIn the safety of therapy, clients can open up their sexual experiences. This very often reveals the shame that is hidden beneath the surface. For some people, they are near the surface, and for others, they are buried deep inside them.

Shame blooms when it is kept in the dark. But shame tends to fall when it comes to the countryside and meets with love and compassion. I'm writing this article to highlight some of the usual ways that shame works in relation to sexuality. Hopefully you can learn some ways to let it go.

5 ways to shame sex effects

Internal problems

One shameful indicator is that problems are treated as an integral part of the individual and not as a natural result of the facts that can be explained and addressed:

Chantelle looked down as she spoke. "I think something is happening to me, I do not get up anymore and just feel the pleasure of sex, I used to really enjoy sex."

As soon as I began to solve her problem and we excluded any medical issues, it became clear that there were plenty of good reasons why Chantelle had low desire and excitement – she felt exhausted from lack of sleep and anxiety and often felt she was empty because she had very little time to herself.

The renewal of Chantelle's lack of sexual desire and stimulation as a natural response to conditional factors in her life and not to something inherently wrong with her was the key to helping her to let her shame and herself accused. Chantelle was then able to cope with the various factors that made it difficult to enjoy sex. We found creative ways in which Chantelle prioritized her sleep and self-awareness needs, which created more energy to reconnect with herself and her sexual partner.


Disappointment and delusion are signs that there is shame that is hidden within itself. When babies are born, they are not ashamed of their bodies. Babies will naturally start exploring their bodies and genitalia without judgment. They are parents and adults who give shame to this experience.

It is natural and healthy to explore his body, starting from childhood and at all stages of life. It is also natural to experience sexual desire and to act upon this desire when done in a safe and consensual manner. If you feel disgusted for your body or sexuality, it can mean that you have shame or judgment that you do not belong to.

Many customers I see have some memory that they are abused as a child to explore their bodies or to play a "doctor" with other children. Other clients have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse as a child or adult. Sexual abuse or harassment is never the fault of the victim. Please know that there is help if you or someone you know has experienced this. In all cases of sexual shame and disability, ask for help and guidance. The existence of sexual challenges or problems does not mean that you or your body are disgusting or wrong.

Suspended desire and arousal

Shame is like a thick black tar pitch that sits at the top of natural and healthy sexual desire and excitation response. Physical responses remain there, but they are buried under shame, which prevents natural desire and excitement from the surface.

Shame is like a thick black tar pitch that sits at the top of natural and healthy sexual desire and excitation response. Physical responses remain there, but they are buried under shame, which prevents natural desire and excitement from the surface.

Michael Bader writes in his book Excitement: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies about some mood situations that are incompatible with excitation: anxiety, guilt and shame. To overcome these obstacles, the subconscious can invent fantasies to remove the source of anxiety, guilt, or shame to release the person until he experiences the excitement.

For example, an apologized person may have sexual fantasy of being deceived or humiliated, sexing the very thing that prevents them from being alert. In many other cases, a person with shame for his body or sexuality will continue to live with oppressed sexuality, unable to overcome his mental blocks or experience his full sexual expression.

Secret and psychological disintegration

Stunning sexual guilt and shame causes people to hide sexual desires or behaviors because they perceive them as bad or dishonest. Hiding and secrecy hinders a person's relationship with others and creates isolation. This aggravates the shame of the person and often disturbs their relationship with their family, friends, and community.

Sexual shame also causes psychological tearing, which happens when a person "separates" a part of himself that is considered unacceptable. The devoted part of themselves continues to exist, but only secrets, where it often becomes deformed and interwoven with shame.

Separation and secrecy cause many problems, including internal disconnection, decoupling of relationships and conflicts, depression, dishonesty, infidelity and others. Customers on this issue are able to work on integrating their detached parts into treatment, which can help reduce shame.

Detailed announcement

Couples with sexual problems accompanied by shame often appear or are interrupted during talks about their problems. Discussion usually begins with an effort to understand the problem and try to find a solution. But the conversation is quickly disappointing when there is shame.

A shameful person is more likely to want to escape his own role in the subject, which can lead to an inadvertent accusation of the other person instead of having his own role. In other cases, one or both parties are so embarrassed and embarrassed that they close and the conversation ends with tears or closes the other person:

Alexandra and Neil have not had regular sex for years. After what they felt were a disappointment at their wedding night, they slowly sank into a circle of shame and accusation. She felt embarrassed about her lack of experience and felt it was her fault that sex was awkward and painful. He thought he failed in his role as a husband because he could not please his wife. After two years of trying and supporting, Alexandra and Neil have stopped showing it up completely. Now in treatment 10 years later, they have many layers of guilt and shame to process to heal and repair their relationship.

Related to sex shame: What to do about it

Remember that many people feel ashamed of their sexuality and are able to cure of it. If this is the case for you, consider engaging in the help of a mentor or healer and using resources such as the books listed below.

Consider meditating about the following phrases:

  • "My sexuality is part of who I am."
  • "Sex is good."
  • "I can take responsibility for my sexual desires in a healthy way."

A therapist can help you work to identify any negative sexual or embarrassing beliefs, explore where they came from, and remodel them into something that is more positive and confirms your sexuality. Through this process, you can also work to cure any underlying wounds. Find a therapist of understanding here.

Make sure you consult a doctor to block any physical factors that contribute to your sexual function.

Sex-positive books on sexuality

  • Come as you are: The amazing new science that will transform your sex life by Emily Nagoski
  • For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Recovering Your Sexual Life by Jennifer Berman, MD and Laura Berman, PhD
  • Gender for one: The joy of love itself by Betty Dodson, PhD
  • Sexual Intelligence: What we really want from sex – and how to get it by Marty Klein
  • Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Parental Sexuality by Barry McCarthy
  • Sexual shame: an urgent call for treatment by Karen McClintock

Books about survivors of sexual trauma and those who love them

  • Courage to Cure: A Guide to Women Who Survive Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
  • The Sexual Travel Therapy: A Guide to Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
  • Allies in Healing: When the person you love is sexually abused as a child by Laura Davis

© Copyright 2018 All rights reserved. A publication authorization is granted by Rachel Keller, LCSW-C, a therapist at Silver Spring, Maryland

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