Something touched tough feelings between you and your partner. Perhaps it was a simple mistake. Your loved one was forgotten to take the milk home. Or maybe you liked some sympathy after a bad day at work, just to listen to your partner criticizing you. Ouch.
Now you're upset. You may wonder if your partner really understands or cares.
How do you fix a relationship problem? Many people are afraid of the conflict so much they do not say anything. They hope that bad feelings will go away.
How to bring a relationship problem
You need to know how to talk about a relationship problem. The important thing is to learn how to allow the emotions involved.
Because avoiding emotional pain in your relationship works against you.
The hard feelings between you do not escape on their own. You have to see them and relax them as a couple to resolve. This is an important function of a healthy relationship.
I worked with a couple to call Bob and Amy. Amy wanted to keep only those things around the house they needed and used now. Bob preferred things like additional boxes, umbrellas, and materials for projects. Bob tended not to settle, unless he was pressed. And when Ee pushed Bob, they had terrible struggles.
Now Amy does not feel free to talk about the issue of "clutter," though it still bothers her. Meanwhile, Bob throws away more than he wants and complains. And she worries that Amy will never be satisfied, no matter how little she keeps or how neat she tries to be.
Do you see the problem? On the surface, disconnection concerns things at home. But as a healer trained in emotionally-focused therapy (EFT), my job is to help Bob and Amy see the unwavering thoughts and feelings at work. What is under the anger and dissatisfaction? What do these thoughts mean in the sense of attachment as a couple?
Learning to see what is hurting
In the treatment, Amy admitted that Bob's things were more important than his calm. He felt fired and injured. It took Bob to hear that his desire for "things" seemed to come first, and made her feel undesirable. After Amy expressed her injury in a vulnerable way, you could feel her tendency to soften.
Then Bob said he was worried that even if he threw everything away, he would still be wrong with him. He felt rejected. Bob needed Amy to hear that her request for "order" left him no room to be the same.
Before they can solve the problem of their lifestyle, the biggest problem has to be tackled: the panic that no one saw or cared for each other. They take time to stretch their pains and relieve stress first.
After Bob and Amy are emotionally connected, they can confirm their support to each other. They quickly found the energy to be co-creative. They agreed on the "clean" bands for Amy and created a "man-shed" for Bob. But more importantly, they learned how to take each other's anxiety in the heart, find the source, and assure each other that they matter.
Sometimes tensions have returned. But now they could talk about what was happening without blocking the battle or leaving.
Relationship stress needs response
Unspecified relationship issues are deeply worrying about how secure and secure collaborators feel together. It's hard to feel close when you're worried. That is why misery with a loved one must be resolved.
Deep down, the relationship hurts causes bigger questions: Do I matter to you? We are OK;
Doubts about a link can make a person feel threatening or at risk. This is because we are looking for natural security in relationships. Deep down, the relationship hurts causes bigger questions: Do I matter to you? We are OK;
If we are not sure how to say "I care" to each other, it is easier to get angry and avoid what is wrong.
When we talk about anger, we are heading to the problem. There is nothing wrong with saying that something is bothering you. But the key to defining your relationship is to talk about what you need – not your partner's mistakes.
What else can couples do except anxiety in silence?
Good (and bad) ways to tell your partner something is wrong
Let's look at some of the devastating ways that some people bring together the issues of relationships. Compare these in some healthier ways to fix a problem instead:
Do not be angry: Do not burn, grumble or silent to get a reaction. It does not help your loved one to understand. More likely, an angry look will make your partner defensive.
Be clear: Tell your beloved that you are upset. Say what bothers you without being blamed. "I did not like the way you spoke when you came home."
- Not this: "What have you got? Why can not you remember a little thing?"
- Try this: "I rely on your help, you forgot about it and I feel like I do not mind."
Do not assume: Do not expect your partner to know how you feel or you can understand what you want to happen.
Explanation: Tell your partner what's hurting you. Be clear about what you want and need.
- Not this: "You will never understand, you have to know me much better than now."
- Try this: "You need to see how upset I am for the job. Can I open? I would really like some support. "
Do not get staff: Avoid downgrading or name calling. Reasons like "selfish," "impatient," or nasty names usually make the problems worse.
You speak from experience: Focus on what happened to you. The pure anger concerns behavior rather than character.
- Not this: "You said you would get the milk. Can not get it together for once?"
- Try this: "I really stress when there is no milk for kids, I know you did not want to forget, how can we stay on top of it?"
Because repair works so well to determine relationships
Repair is one of the most powerful things you can do to build a stronger relationship.
You do not have to be perfect with each other to be happy together. You can do a lot to restore goodwill by repairing faults.
What separates many successful couples from less happy is the ability to make repairs. It allows you to continue to better respond to each other's needs over time.
The repair is any gesture – phrase, sorry, hug, friendly look – that facilitates negativity between you.
Much depends on whether, under all of this, you see each other as friends. Even if the repair effort is difficult or awkward, faith in your friendship will advise on scales to healing after conflicts.
Your kindness and your partner's ability to accept it makes you so part of the solution instead of the problem for each other.
Emotional connection: one of the most important jobs in the world
It is difficult to admit that we need each other. No one wants to invite ridicule or rejection by presenting a tender need for love and acceptance. However, it is more terrible to feel disconnected and alone.
"Do I have meaning for you?" That's the question we need to hear "yes", especially when one of you is injured.
The slight explanation of your evil is the first step in deepening your understanding together. Being able to hear when your partner is hurt is just as important to doing things better.
This is much easier to say than to do. It is tempting to avoid painful feelings and not to talk through relationship issues. That is why a good therapist can be a powerful help to find a repair process that works for you.
Chatting with your partner when you are upset is a great opportunity to connect. You can learn to receive your message in a way that works with your need to connect, not against it.
© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. A publication was granted by Kristin Rosenthal, MA, LPC, a therapist in Alexandria, Virginia
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