When we talk about sensitivity, we usually focus on the person: awareness of our own perceptions and feelings or staying present moment to enjoy our own life. What is missing from the discussion is the diligence required to create effective connections with others. To have a successful relationship, you can not only remember your own inner experience. you must be aware of the other person, too.
So much of our conflict with the loved ones comes from the truth of another's inner reality. The phrase buried in so many writings is "does not mean": "I did not want to hurt your feelings," "I did not want to be angry," "I did not want to bother you." The truth would sound more, I paid no attention when I said or did what created a problem for you. "Sometimes we may ignore a button that we push or a wound we gather, but often these weaknesses are not the result of bad intentions, but they have no intentions.
You are probably aware that recognizing and monitoring your emotions is the key to psychological well-being. But you may not know that recognizing and monitoring the feelings of others is the key to the well-being of relationships. You can not develop a loving relationship without taking into account the feelings of those you are interested in.
The conflict in a relationship arises when you focus your intentions exclusively on your needs and ignore or reject your partner. You may not mean hurting them, but when your practice in your mind goes in a way, your intentions do not extend any love or concern to your partner.
Having a conscious relationship means deciding whether the link is important to you and what you want from the other person, and then take it into account when communicating or in conflict. If your intention is love, romantic cooperation, all disputes should be approached with love and cooperation.
Attention to your partner's needs plays an important role in disagreements. Very often when we are in conflict, even with someone we love, we just want to win. We want the other person to change his behavior without having to change anything. We do not mind a win-lose solution, since we are not the loser. Studies show that losses have a greater psychological impact on us than victories. Loss is an insult to our sense of self. But this behavior-win at all costs, or at least do not lose-are toxic to relationships.
Does this mean that in order to work a partnership you should "lose" an argument a few times? Not at all.
Winning a fight does not always mean that it is right. A real victory, the kind that lasts a fight and makes your relationship stronger, is the one in which your partner listens to your point of view and addresses your needs or desires and does the same for them.
The win-lose scenario is not the only way to end the conflict. Try win-win instead.
Winning a fight does not always mean that it is right. If you get an argument with your partner because you want to go to a party and want to stay home and watch movies, one of you is not right and the other wrong. Pressing your most unreasonable partner to go to the party can feel like a win, is not it? A real victory, the kind that lasts a fight and makes your relationship stronger, is the one in which your partner listens to your point of view and addresses your needs or desires and does the same for them.
To address the needs of your partner, you need to be careful. You need to know your limits and needs not only for the necessary physical requirements like food and shelters, but also for their emotional and psychological needs, such as love, acceptance, independence, and so on. There are some fundamental needs that almost all people share and it is crucial to keep in mind:
- Respect: Respect is the basis of an emotionally healthy relationship. We respect your partner's limits if you expect to respect yours – and you must.
- Time and Attention: One of the most powerful ways to show your partner that you love them is giving them unlimited time and attention.
- Affection: Not only physical affection is an essential part of close relationships because it makes your brain release oxytocin, the "love hormone", but studies show that there is a relationship of lack of affection with bodily pain and poor sleep, which in turn increases negative feelings.
- Approval: As a child, you seek approval from your carers and teachers. as an adult, you are looking for it from your loved ones. Simple conclusions are easy to give and go away in proximity building and positive view.
- Security, predictability and consistency: We all want a warm bed to return home at the end of the day, a safe base that we can retreat from. Your closer relationships should provide this support for you. In turn, you need to be trusted there for the people you love.
- Autonomy and control: No matter how close you are to your partner, for the sake of your mental health and your sense of self, you must both maintain a separate identity. Your partner may sometimes have priority that overrides you, and that's fine.
To create and maintain a love relationship, reduce the frequency of conflicts, and solve the conflicts that arise in a way that works well, you need to take care of your partner's needs and desires. For love to last, sympathy must be two-way. No one can lose if everyone gets and everyone wins when your needs and desires are treated with respect and validity.
If you have relationship problems, contact a pairs consultant or an individual therapist.
- Floyd, K. (2016). Lack of affection is associated with physical pain and poor sleep quality. Communication Studies, 67(4), 379-398. doi: 10.1080 / 10510974.2016.1205641
- Gravotta, L. (2013, February 12). Be Mine Forever: Oxytocin can help create long-lasting love. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/be-mine-forever-oxytocin/
- Schittenhelm, C. (n.d.). What is a loss aversion? Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-loss-aversion/
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