How can I deal with loneliness?


Dear GoodTherapy,

My life is a sad situation. I have no real friends to talk to, only my cat Lula. Even I do not like it very much. I can not work because of a disability. Basically I sit all day long, eating myself a little closer to irreversible depression and ultimate death.

This is not a way of life, but it's all I have. I used to rationalize that being alone was fine because I'm introverted, but that's stupid. Endotracheals need love and socialization. I have nothing! I feel so lonely.

I do not think it realistic to expect to go out and make a bunch of friends. I'm ugly, it's not very interesting and it's not easy to get close. I'm not leaving people inside. I'm not sure why, I never have. So then the question arises, how can I accept my life for what it is? Is it so simple that we no longer judge it as pointless and empty? Please help me to stop feeling so lonely -Just the loner

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Dear monk,

I hear your real sadness coming. Thank you for coming. I really hear two different questions in your message – how can I accept my life as it is and how can I change it to be less lonely?

We recommend that you start by putting a therapist in your area. I hear a lot of negative self-speech and negative self-concept in your message. Finding a way to appreciate what you have to offer to yourself and the world around you will be an important first step. Your comment not to let people – and what you have never – lets you know that the project really starts there, understanding what is done by linking with others is scary for you.

I hear a lot of negative self-speech and negative self-concept in your message. Finding a way to appreciate what you have to offer to yourself and the world around you will be an important first step.

You also say that you do not want to judge your life as "meaningless and empty". I agree that this is an important goal! A sense of purpose is essential for long-term well-being. This purpose may be local or may be on a wider scale, but it feels that we have importance, that we have an impact, that we have a reason to be here is important. You are not alone in struggling to find purpose. Again, working with someone to investigate what makes sense to you will be important.

You are right: introverts also need connection. It's up to you, however, which connection it looks like. I have met people who had many friends and were very social and still felt extremely lonely. An important relationship with ourselves, with others, and with the world around us can help reduce the feelings of loneliness. I encourage you to start your journey by finding someone who can help you work on a meaningful connection to yourself, in which you feel more and more receptive to who you are. From there, you can explore how to connect with others.

Good luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC


Erika Myers

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is an authorized psychotherapist and former teacher specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as people seeking support for relationships, parents, depression, loss / mourning, and managing major changes in life. Although its theoretical orientation is selective, it more often uses a person-based approach based on the advantages and cognitive behavioral therapy in its practice.