"You could have been cold, but I was born brave. You could have left it, but you kept going. You could have seen obstacles, but called them adventures. You could call them weeds, but you would call them wildflowers. a caterpillar, but fought to be a butterfly. You could deny yourself kindness, but instead chose to show yourself some love for yourself. You could have set yourself up in the dark days, but through them you realized your light. "~ S.C. Strap
As my childhood memories flash in my mind, I come back to a place where I didn't know if I was always willing. Happiness, stability, and love seemed so far and away from the fact that I met daily with overwhelming sadness. I longed for peace, hoped for someone to understand, and hoped for someone to save me.
Nobody really knew what was going on behind closed doors with my mom. She was a tyrant who emotionally destroyed anyone who took her path. The brothers and I had her fixed goals. Because of her nature, she isolated us from our family and friends and brought us only to look good and to create her ego. The classic case of a narcissist.
You see, it was not until many years later in my adult life that my mother was officially diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are not familiar with this diagnosis, it is someone who lacks sympathy and cannot show love. They seem to have a superficial life and are always interested in how things look to others.
She was unable to love and nurture, things that mothers are looking to provide. While I was a child, I always received responses to the constant emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that plagues my family.
I learned early on that I needed to see myself not to be heard, and that any challenge or search for fun would be perceived by my tongue tie and / or strike on my body. When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you internalize every strike and every word you are given. You feel redundant and reduced. You never feel good enough.
I remember moments I wished for the mother-daughter bond that my friends experienced. I would cry every time I read it in the books or watch it on television.
When you are a victim of abuse, you always feel like you don't have access, because you think it's not worth it. How can someone born to me cause pain? This question flooded my brain every day.
Motherhood is a sacred act of love that I was not given and therefore suffered. I suffer with a lack of confidence, limited beliefs, fears of failure, anxiety, perfectionism and a lack of emotional closeness to romantic relationships and friendships.
It was at the age of nineteen that I decided that I no longer wanted to be a part of this life. I thought the mantle of darkness would no longer hit me. I'm gone.
I left with all my belongings in a laundry bag as well as the little light I had inside me and joined my now-husband family. I was grateful that they welcomed me with open arms and that I was safe. Little did I know that true healing began as soon as I decided to get it.
The trauma leaves not only emotional scars but also tiny fingerprints that affect your thoughts and decisions. I was an adult who knew nothing about the adult and was not guided by a parental figure: I was scared.
But I realized that sometimes you have to be the mother. In chaos you learn how to give yourself the love and love you longed for in your most powerless moments.
I needed to introduce myself and the little girl inside me who didn't have the opportunity to enjoy life. It was time for me to get my strength back and light up my inner existence.
I started to become more and more curious and optimistic about this transition that I was starting to embark on, so there were a few steps that I began to embark on on this journey of transformation. I hope you find them useful when you are ready.
Move away from toxic behavior.
Sometimes distance and time help to heal and give clarity and peace.
We had to get out of situations where I knew I had to protect myself. This has allowed me to devote time to really focus on what I wanted and the direction I wanted to go.
Sometimes this meant limited communication, geographical distance or emotional distance. This is not always easy, but it will help keep you on the go if you keep reminding yourself that it is about developing your highest good and your healing.
Walk around with people who can lift you up and spill on you.
Coming from a household where love and warmth did not exist can leave you feeling empty. Wander around with friends or other family members who can lift you up as you pick things up. Being around people who were able to present this to me gave me the motivation to continue creating it within myself.
Develop and cultivate a spiritual practice.
Faith and hope were the two driving forces behind my motivation to leave. I just knew deep down that this was not the direction my life wanted to go in and there were better things out there for me.
Developing a spiritual practice helped me gain inner peace when moments of fear, anxiety, and doubt were strongly entrenched. It comforted me when I had no idea if I was going to jump, but the valuable lesson I learned was that when jumping, the net would appear. Meditation, prayer, and connection with a higher power can create immobility in the chaos.
Start with unconditional love for yourself.
Surviving verbal and physical abuse is not easy and can tarnish the little confidence you can have, so starting to grow within yourself is extremely important.
I had to learn that if I loved myself I could feel more confident in my abilities and continue to push forward.
Give yourself these motivational conversations, read dozens of books, work with a professional, listen to music or podcasts. Throw yourself in and become your best friend. No one can take it away from you.
Give yourself time.
There is no solution for healing. It's a journey that loops and curves, but it all leads to a transformation.
It may take time to overcome all that you have experienced, but be compassionate with yourself as you understand it all. Set the intention to work towards a positive transformation and gather the tools necessary to facilitate change.
It took years of trial and error to get to where I am now, but my intention was always to become better than I was yesterday. Promote your healing, there is a discovery on the other hand.
Keep making this conscious choice every day to grow, heal, and achieve transformation. Do not miss the treatment needed to let yourself go and live the life you deserve to live. You have to throw away the old to leave the new and no longer let fear keep you strong.
There is beauty in discovering a life of inner and outer victory. Throughout my transformation, my revolution consisted of this powerful mantra:
I'm not a victim of my case, I'm a winner.