In the following article, names and personal IDs have changed to protect confidentiality.
"When I hear babies crying, I have a keen desire to kill them," Mina said, her eyes down. I watched her sit next to me, the body fell down, a young woman tall and lulled, her hands covered with intricate tattoos, refusing to make any contact with the eyes at all. It was the beginning of a new year and its first session in therapy. I felt panicked as I was wondering if she was experiencing psychosis and needed more vigorous care than I could offer in my private practice. Thoughts about responsibility and security were also at the forefront of my mind.
Mina showed what I can only describe as an unusually high level of self-realization, unable to get any of my positive comments. He was also very afraid for me, or rather afraid of how I would answer her, and afraid of what he imagines as the negative and devastating effect for me. Having been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) with high levels of decay and existential anxiety, Mina spoke about how she felt alienated from the image she saw in her mirror and often used "we" to refer to herself.
She has also been plagued with body image issues and has some confusion about gender identity and sexual orientation. Having just left her job, unable to cope with her anxiety, she spent most of her day at home, lying on the bed or watching TV, seriously depressed.
As the meetings progressed, we were processing the feelings of Mina's monotony, that I felt different and "strange" as a child of migrants growing up in a mostly white neighborhood, the experiences of racism and the internalization of criticism and the loss of her parents her: a narcissistic father prone to discomfort, and a mother who mistreated her, for example, refusing to talk to her for months when Mina was a teenager as a punishment for some perceived little ones. These experiences had instilled in Mina a deep fear of making mistakes and fears from the reactions of others, predicting anger and hostility. Mina was frozen with terror.
The inner world of Mina fascinates me. As I align it, I enter into another dimension. I am now with another client, Dorothy, who has been badly abused and tortured.
Dorothy must gather all her strength to escape the blows of her villain and save her baby's life, Toto. I am willing to do something about it. But what is my role? And what lessons do I still have to learn? How can I cure (her and / or me)? I'm full of an urgency, because time is over for Dorothy and Toto …
For someone with such serious presentation symptoms, Mina's progress in treatment was extremely fast. I began to wait for her sessions, waiting to know what she had learned about her. Mina was careful (and so diligently!). In pursuing her self-observational capacity, she often surprises me with her surprisingly sharp perceptions of the source of her weakening fears and negative self-confidence, which are rooted in childhood experiences.
When Mina began so far, we were treating the fears of intimacy and her will to end the relationship preventively to avoid the expected rejection and abandonment. Mina had begun to trust me at last, taking my comments on her experiences from her and starting to consider that it could actually be interesting and enjoyable to others.
Mina began to develop increased self-confidence, self-confidence and love for herself, using me as a mirror for her experiences in herself and in the outside world. However, through all these tasks, he refused to make any contact with the eyes, since he never looked directly at me.
Will I be able to save Dorothy and her baby in time? I face my doubts and fears, and I say to myself, "I am quite." I search through my arsenal the superpowers, finding courage, intelligence and empathy. I begin to feel unbeatable. I walk along with Dorothy, which complicates her baby, keeping it warm and safe. We are ready to overcome every challenge that comes in our way. Suddenly, we sink into a swirl of magical currents …
It was a period of thirty-nine, about 8 months after the treatment. Mina tried to take the risk: she finally made contact with her eyes. She was surprised and pleased to be able to finally look at me directly, feeling the authentic and genuine unconditional care I always had for her. This session was an indicator of the positive spiral of growth and spiritual awakening that followed in both of us.
The universe was in sync.
Return to Mina's original statement–for her desire to kill baby crying–I did more about this at the initial sessions. As we researched and dug deeply together, we came to the conclusion that the sound of crying babies sparked memories of her pain and pain as a child. The desire to be killed was really the intense need and the desire to stop the sufferings of others.
As she began to associate and understand her deep care and compassion for others, she became a central step in helping to shift her deepest self-hate into self-concentration. It is the development and care of this self-concentration that paved the way for Mina's true healing and the acceptance of the past and the present, promoting her transformational and spiritual development.
Another new year was on the horizon and we agreed to end the sessions after almost a year in treatment. We have processed our experiences on the journey of self-revelation and my own as a witness and development and positive transformation in both of us. Because her treatment was a true gift, healing and transforming me as well.
In the end, the transformational work in its essentials is often simply the redefinition of the self. We are all interconnected – there is no "other".
Treatment can be hard work, but a sympathetic therapist can make the process easier. Find a therapist in your area here.
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