Because your positive attitude can hurt you


"Positivity is a dogmatic insistence on getting away from what is painful." ~ Susan Piver, Wisdom of a broken heart

What would I say if I told you there might be a defect in positive thinking?

How can it be positively potentially non-auxiliary?

To some extent, positivity can be beneficial. In my life I found optimism to be very wonderful, vital.

Being around people who are generally positive is much more enjoyable than being around people who are constantly negative. Life seems a little more manageable when you can practice gratitude. The smiles had and the spirits were raised with simple pranks like that's life and It is what it is! It is not only useful, but optimism can in fact offer many benefits.

There was a study by the University of Kentucky where nuns were graded on a scale of positivity based on their diaries in the 1930s. Sixty years later the researchers found that some of these ladies, aged seventy-five to ninety, were still alive. Survivors were mostly women who scored high in the positivity test, implying that happiness leads to a longer life.

Happiness expert and psychologist Michael F. Scheier say that optimists make life better than pessimists because they are problem solving and have better coping mechanisms. The treatment of the trauma from my previous life has become much easier, having these two things at my disposal.

In Broaden and Build theory, psychologist Barbara Fredrickson has discovered a model of how positivity interacts with resilience. It states that the most positive people have more physical, psychological and social resources. It may be more capable of exercising, more able to keep away from rumination, and have the best buds to shout.

When my grandmother died, I was destroyed. How could I derive positivity from death? Well, it turns out I can do it myself. The coping mechanism was to earn life lessons. In fact, her transition was the catalyst for me to be sober. I began to treat myself healthier, without the bundle of substances. I had to adjust to see the sunlight and the optimism brought me there.

I now have very positive coping mechanisms such as meditation, hockey and the ability to discuss emotional issues with others. I work regularly with gratitude. I still write a gratitude list daily and send it to a friend. I express my appreciation for things like my job (which is not always perfect), its ability and financial security.

Do not get me wrong here, I like optimism. I just can not help, but look where we fail.

I was the "nice" queen. When someone asked me how I did, I was always "fine". Whenever something happened, maybe someone did something to make me wrong, as the guy I was dating was a real sting, it was "nice". I was the girl holding the smile on her face.

I was bubbles and eternal positive, regardless of the situation. While on this surface it may look like a wonderful feature in a person, in practice it meant that my needs were not met, I let people treat me badly and I do not always hear my mind, my body or my spirit.

To develop from it, it was a long journey to realize that it's okay (even important) to slow down and take a look at what's happening. It is necessary to give my feelings space and leave them to play. I learned this through sorrow after sorrow. Holidays, debris dreams and death – all this helped me to discover that I deserved my presence.

The Heartbreak shook me in the core, leaving me to feel that I had never seen it before. The feelings I had at that time demanded to be felt. there was no one around it. In order to move after suffering, I had to feel it. I could not say that I was ok or that everything would be ok. I just had to sit with the evil.

Certainly, there were good things that came from heart harassment like lessons and new opportunities, but there were times when I had to feel, heal and deal. I just needed to look at my heart just on my face, cry and let my return start repairing the damage done.

My dreams were crushed when I first came to an Ivy League university and realized that I could not attend for financial and personal reasons. I was totally damaged. But through this, I realized it was okay to keep my sorrow. They allowed me to enjoy being in the first place while I could leave room for my tears.

The man had lost tears when my grandmother died. I felt my heart had been put through a meat mill, and the pieces would never fit together again. I cried at the shop and at the mall, I could not hide what I feel. I could not overwhelm this fake smile, and when someone asked me how I did, the answer was often "not so good".

Little did I know that these experiences were gifts, moving closer to being with myself. They encouraged me (with great power sometimes) to be with my truth, to be with the heart of the subject without going back.

Telling and visiting feelings can take the form of letting myself cry without redirecting my attention anywhere else. Just giving myself the space to cry without judgment. Letting myself shout until there are no other tears to spill, or even say that it's okay if I do not stop crying when I want.

She is also leaning, wondering myself, "What is it, love?" and listening to the answer, as difficult as it may be. She is able to sit with this raw sense of sensitivity on my chest.

Instead of being with what's in your heart, many people put a wall. Susan Piver puts it nicely in her book Wisdom of a broken heart, "Positive thinking is a way of getting away from what you like and not with it". You often avoid avoidance, because who wants to feel the hard stuff?

Tilt to this requires work and courage. It is a social rule to avoid pain. We hate it. we will avoid it at all costs. That's what we do: we mastered our struggles. At work, in life, even in relationships with loved ones.

There is pressure to be ok and to put a toy on the face. This pressure comes from the idea that you always have to target positivity in all cases. This is where Susan Piver prepared the "cult of positivity", constantly turning away from what is unpleasant and painful. I have two big bones to choose with "positivity":

1. I do not think the bad guys in the world have happened because you were very negative.

2. I do not believe that looking at the bright side of things is always the answer to solving the problems of life.

There are those who believe that positive thinking undoubtedly makes their life much better. In many ways this is true. However, not so much when it comes to what's happening to you in the world. No matter how positive you think, the effect of your cancer will be the same.

Alternatively, you can have wonderful positive thoughts and end up being homeless or unemployed. I do not like the idea of ​​a "positive mind, positive life". It ends up blaming the victim because people may feel guilty of something they have no control.

I have experienced this as someone who deals with mental health issues. I had people tell me to suck and think more positively. Do not you think that if it was so easy there would not be a mental illness? No one wants to be depressed. It's not just that simple.

Optimism does not cure bipolar harassment or makes you feel depressed. Telling someone that they can control the outcome of their illness simply blame when there is no responsibility.

The idea that someone has control over all the results in my life disturbs me. For example, the book The secret it is about the law of attraction. What you put into the world is what comes to you, according to the writer Rhonda Byrne. If you put these positive vibes, you will reap the rewards as a good place in the cinema or a beautiful partner.

This implies that you deserve it when bad things happen as you deserve it when good things happen. It is similar to some kind of value system. I do not believe there is a tragic accident because one did not exercise enough positivity. On the other hand, even something like the hit of the lottery is pure luck rather than an expression of an event.

Then always looking at the brilliant side to respond to the problems of life is just a way to avoid feeling. It's superficial. It is OK, even important, to be sunny, but it becomes problematic when your feelings are intact beneath the surface. There is nothing to gain from the lie in the world and saying that everything is fine when it is not.

Sometimes I feel that I have to "be grateful" when I share my struggles with a friend. I will tell them all about what bothers me, then I will quickly close my concerns with something that I am grateful for.

While gratitude is an extremely powerful practice, maybe we sell myself here soon, missing from digging a bit deeper into what is happening. Instead of moving away from my sufferings, I could turn to look for myself and let it be felt.

Well, what to do with all this? The next time a close friend says "good" when you ask them how to do, try to ask them how they really do. It probably takes them out of the guard, but it is worthwhile to open them. Listen to their answer.

At yourself, watch out for those moments where you are quick to quit a feeling down. Watch out for "buts," as you say, "I had a horrible weekend but it's ok." Practice let the hard stuff hang out there. Do not try to improve it for a while.

Of course, you want to go ahead and positivity can come here. Once you have a clear look at your things, it is time to find something that we will be grateful for. It's time to make a joke or pinch. Then you were really honored, you let yourself see. Because only when you start seeing can real healing begin.

About Ginelle Testa

Ginelle Testa is a passionate writer. It is a queer gal whose passions include recovery / sobriety, social justice, positive posture and intersectoral feminism. In the rare moments she does not write, you can find her own participation in a group of recreational hockey on the street, eclectic attire and incomplete exercise of Buddhism. You can find it at ginelletesta.com.

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