6 ways to provide comfort if you have harmed your partner

The couple at the bottom stands together, having a serious conversation in the cityRecently, I drove to the car with my very spiritual three years. I had taken it early from a date to fight the whole city. It was very difficult to leave her girlfriend and to inform me of her anxiety through high shouts. I knew she needed some comfort, a relaxing voice and a noise that helped her in her anxiety.

Do you know what I noticed? It was so difficult to offer her the comfort I needed because I had such a strong reaction within me. The sound of my voices alone created feelings of anxiety and anxiety within me. I also felt frustration and anger that created such a scene as I brought her kicking and shouting from her friend's house.

She was in misery at the moment and needed the comfort of her mother, I had to work hard to manage my feelings to bend and thank her appropriately.

As a therapist, it is easy to lean and provide comfort, assurance and understanding to my clients. The reason that is so easy is that I am not the source of their pain. As they talk about the pain, usually caused by other people or situations in their lives, I can easily cause feelings of compassion and care without defense. I can do it because there is no complicated storm of emotion inside me.

Have I caused pain?

When you are the one who caused the pain and when the injury to your partner is the result of your actions, the process of offering comfort and compassion is much more complicated. When couples enter the treatment, it is usually because there is bad between them. Usually, they have not been able to find comfort, care and compassion for their partner to facilitate harm. They often come to the conclusion that the reason why their partner is unable to be there for them the way they need is either that their partner is not interested or that they are not capable.

There is a good reason to provide comfort can be difficult. By harming your partner, what you love, feels awful. It can be hard to think, hear or see tears, anger and pain to your partner and you know it has been caused by you.

Treatment of Pain in Healing

I remember a couple who came to the treatment because of the husband's relationship. His wife was so hurt and angry that whenever she was suffering her pain, she would close, leave the room, or tell her that she "ought to have overcome it."

When asked about his reactions to his wife, he said, "When he brings it up, it reminds me of the worst thing I've ever done. It may be unbearable to think about it." It can be extremely difficult and sometimes requires the help of a therapist , to help manage the feelings of shame, guilt and fear when you have hurt your partner. To be there for your partner in a palliative and curative way, it is necessary to manage these strong feelings within this is yours.

It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist to help manage the feelings of shame, guilt and fear when you harm your partner.

How to Provide Comfort: 6 Tips

1. Recognize how much your partner needs. When you are the source of your partner's pain, it may be easy to think "I have caused your pain, I am the last one to comfort you". The exact opposite is true. If you have caused pain to your partner, you can be one of the most helpful people to relieve this pain.

2. Find a support person. It can be a difficult, discouraging and disappointing process to rebuild and repair a relationship after major damage has occurred. Your efforts to improve things can be dismissed or criticized by your wounded spouse. You may need a therapist to help you manage your feelings from shame, disappointment, despair, and rejection, so that you continue to appear for your partner in a palliative manner. Also, if you feel stuck in your efforts to repair harms your relationship, you may need a pair therapist to guide you.

3. Be flexible with what your partner needs. One day your partner may need to stay alone. The next may need to happen. When relational lesions have occurred, these needs may change with time or day. Often, there is not even a simple approach that works. Be willing to tailor your approach as your partner's needs change.

4. Learn how you feel the comfort for your partner. There are many ways to offer comfort to your partner. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, physical and emotional proximity from our partner is one of the most dynamic ways to experience comfort. Physical proximity can be achieved by holding, embracing, holding hands or embracing. Emotional proximity may include the following:

  • Provide reassurance: "I love you", "I'm here for you", "I'm not going anywhere."
  • Validating Evil: "Of course it hurts you deep."
  • Understanding Evil: "Tell me more about what you are going through."
  • Listening to the pain: "You can tell me how you feel, I want to know."
  • Show remorse: "I'm so sorry to hurt you, I'm so sorry you're going through this."

A great place to get started is: "When you hurt so, what does it help most? What do you need of me now?"

5. Express the willingness to do whatever it takes. It can be easy to feel that there is nothing you can do to do the best. You can think: "Anything I say just makes things worse" or "I do not know what to do to improve things." It may be comforting for your poor partner to hear "I'm not sure how to help, but I know I want to help." Let them know that although you may not always know how, you want to do things better and you are willing to learn how to do this.

6. Open. The manifestation of your feelings and the appearance of vulnerabilities may not be your powerful suit. However, it may be comforting for your evil partner to know that you are injuring too much, and that it is not just that bad. It can be very healing for your partner to hear and see that you are injured because they hurt.


Johnson, S., (2008). Keep me tight: Seven conversations about a life of love. New York, New York: Little, Brown and Company.

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